Peter Gwydion

Impossibly, in two weeks Peter Gwydion will be one year old.  Emotions are running high right now.

I still feel acute pangs of jealousy and frustration when encountering pregnant women, or when parents talk about their “next baby” with certainty and without a second thought.  They know that they will have another pregnancy, and feel totally confident that it will be as uneventful as the first, resulting in a healthy term baby.  I am envious of their total confidence that sore backs, swollen feet and vaginal birth - the natural consequences of a healthy pregnancy - will be the biggest trials they face.  I am frustrated by their discussions of these “hardships,” while they remain blissfully unaware of what it feels like to watch your tiny baby struggle for his life and feel it’s your fault for selfishly bringing him into a world that, for him, was full of hardship from the very moment he was born.

Recently, the New York Times ran an article discussing the lasting sorrow that parents of NICU babies experience.  The emotions surrounding having an extremely premature infant have been likened by some experts to losing a child.  We lost the healthy newborn that we expected and the home birth we dreamed of.  We lost ubiquitous rites of passage that were important to us, like taking pregnancy photos, attending childbirth classes and a normal baby shower - one where I was pregnant with a big, gorgeous belly, excited about feathering a soft nest for my beautiful child to land in.

I know that ultimately our experience is much richer than the norm.  There is not a single day where I take Gwyn, or his good health, for granted.  Lately “amazed” doesn’t begin to describe my feelings as I look at him pulling up on the furniture, babbling and getting ready to crawl.  It seems impossible that he’s the same baby who was so tiny that I held his whole body in one hand, carefully placed to avoid all of the wires and IV’s he was hooked up to.  I am grateful in a way that only NICU mothers can understand for every little thing, because the little things represent so many problems we miraculously avoided.  He laughs at a silly face Daddy makes, and I am often grateful that the oxygen he required didn’t make him blind.  He bounces in his jumper, I am grateful that he doesn’t have cerebral palsy and will be able to walk normally.  He wets three diapers in half an hour, I am grateful that vancomycin didn’t destroy his kidneys.  All of this factors into our daily life together, and unless Lacuna Inc. opens a Bradford office, the memory of Gwyn’s babyhood will include ventilators, antibiotics and blood transfusions as well as nursing, naps and diapers.

So, as I consider the anniversary of his very early birth, I am joyous and proud.  I’m so grateful for my now-healthy baby - but I am far from “over it.”

Wearing the CPAP a week after birth

Please check out Kelley’s latest article for Attachment Parenting International’s blog, API Speaks!  No “No” can also be read and commented on here at their site, if you want to show some love API’s way.  Enjoy!

No “No”

While I was doing my grocery shopping the other day with Sweet Pea snuggled on my chest in the wrap, I passed another momma with a child who was probably about three.  When we first crossed paths, she was telling him, “No, you can’t have cookies.”  When he pushed the issue, she said, “There’s cookies at home!”  Our families ran into each other (once literally, since my cart had a broken wheel) about four times over the next hour as we stocked up on yummy things to eat.  Three out of those four times, she was telling her son “no” about something.

My intention isn’t to criticize her parenting, or the use of the word “no” in general.  She was using it to set boundaries, some of which were specifically to keep her son safe (“No, you can’t ride on the side of the cart.”).  It did reinforce for me, though, how important I think it is to not overuse the word “no.”

See, I’m an avid reader, and right now there’s lots for me to read about parenting and particularly about discipline.  Before Sweet Pea was even born, we’d made the decision that hands are not for hitting and we would not be spanking our children.  I’m sure that it came out of left field for my husband when, one day, I announced that I didn’t want to use the word “no” in our everyday parenting, either.  DH seemed rather shocked; no doubt he was picturing the wildest kind of child imaginable, sticking fingers into electrical sockets while eating the cats’ food, totally without any guidance from his parents about the intelligence of those choices.  Seeing his look of panic, I explained that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to establish boundaries for our children; I just didn’t want to use the word “no” as our prime tool for doing it.

My original reason for wanting to avoid using “no” was safety. I would like “no” to remain somewhat startling and definitely out of our normal vocabulary.  To me, it follows that when we’re in situations that are also not normal (for example, if he takes off running towards a busy street), “no” is alarming enough to cause a reaction.  I don’t want it to become easy to ignore through repetition, because if his current leg strength is any indicator, he’s going to be a really fast runner.

Upon further thinking, though, what I really like about not using “no” is the way that it makes us think about what we’re saying.  Looking back at various childcare situations, such as when I worked at an AP-style daycare, I see myself responding with “no” for no good reason sometimes.  Saying “no” without qualifying it much became automatic, almost like saying “bless you” after a sneeze.  I’m not saying that I responded with it out of meanness or as a power high, but that I often wouldn’t consider a child’s request carefully before responding.  Saying “no” often was easier.  Knowing that I am actively working to override this instinct feels really good.  I feel confident now that as Sweet Pea grows older, his requests and opinion will be considered carefully, instead of responded to with a knee-jerk “no.”

At the moment, since he is six months old, not using “no” and focusing on positive redirection instead has been easy.  It just feels right to respond to a fistful of cat fur not with “don’t grab the kitty,” but rather saying “here’s how we stroke the kitty,” then holding hands and showing him.  I like responding to his disappointment when the kitty leaves, which he vocalizes with some truly Nazgul-esque shrieks, by giving him a soft stuffed animal to stroke and listening to the shrieks turn to giggles and coos.  Considering what he can do in a situation, rather than what I’d like him to stop doing, helps me to value these interactions as teaching experiences.  After all, the origin of our word “discipline” is the Latin word disciplina (teaching).

I know that the more experienced Mommas out there are smiling knowingly and shaking their heads.  I’ve had people tell me, “Just wait until he hits two…” in a dark tone.  DH and I aren’t perfect, and I’m sure that quite a few “no’s” will slip their way into our parenting vocabulary, just like the plastic toys that I swore up and down would have no place in our nursery while I was pregnant which are now sitting on Sweet Pea’s bookshelf.  My fervent hope, though, is that the “no’s” that do happen will be outweighed by the ones that don’t.  I hope that we will be able to consider our answer 9.5 times out of 10, rather than giving a knee-jerk response, and give our son a richer childhood because of our consideration.  I trust that knowing I considered his feelings will be enough in fifty years, when I ask myself if I regret the way we approached discipline, to make my answer “no.”

During Daddy’s Spring Break, we got to go visit Du Bois for Peter’s developmental clinic followup. It’s really interesting to talk to all the specialists about the cognitive paths through which language and motor skills develop! Ultimately, though, we think Momma and Daddy are the experts on the baby, and we were sure that he was just fine…and, yes, in case you’re interested, the specialists agreed. Pumpkin Pie is actually scoring about a month above his adjusted age in difficult tests such as “follow the boring red ring,” “listen to the outrageously loud bell,” and “coo, gurgle and be generally irresistably adorable.” Afterwards, we got to have a nice long visit with our friends at the NICU - Auntie Laurie was there, along with Dr. Hassan, Auntie Karen, and Auntie Marie. It was wonderful to see them, and (let’s be honest) to show off how much Peter is growing. He weighed in at 11.5 pounds at the clinic - almost sextuple his birthweight!

Since we were halfway there, we continued down to Cranberry Township. Peter got to meet his Great Grandaddy and Nana Lila for the first time and also see Great Aunt Holly and Great Uncle Neil again. He was pretty impressed! We stayed the night in Pittsburgh with Uncle Dan, Aunt Wendy and Cousin Olivia (who determined she is not ready for the pressure that the word “Aunt” entails.). We walked around Shadyside, got to nurse at a coffeeshop (with minimal staring!), Momma got to visit Sephora…it was great to get out. Thankfully, since the weather is getting nicer and RSV season is close to over, we’ll be able to get out more soon.

We’ve officially broken the 10 pound mark! Two weeks ago at the pediatrician, Gwyn weighed 10.5 pounds. He gains about an ounce or two a day, which is the weight gain that they like to see in a term baby! All of the “he’s premature, so…” warnings are slowly falling away from our visits - his weight gain is awesome, his iron levels are wonderful, and he is alert, strong and active, just like a baby should be!

Our pediatrician visit was purely to get shots, which of course breaks Momma’s heart every time. After some research, we decided to vaccinate Peter on an alternative schedule proposed by Dr. Bob Sears. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends giving six vaccinations at once, which we feel is too many for Peter’s little tiny immune system! Rather than overtaxing him by building immunizations to things that are very unlikely to become a problem right now, such as polio, we would like him to be able to slowly build his immune system while building very strong immunities to the diseases that are more likely for us, such as pertussis, HiB, and Pc. We’re delaying the vaccines for Hepatitis B and polio until he understands that a lollipop can be an excellent reward for being brave at the doctor’s office - which, incidentally, will also be at a time when he’s bigger and can handle the vaccines a little better.

On our schedule, the vaccines alternate monthly, so he only gets one aluminum-containing vaccine at a time. Because of his prematurity, we also get a shot called Synagis, which delivers antiibodies into his system to prevent a serious case of RSV. On DTaP months, he only needs two shots. On HiB/Pc months, he needs three.

Now, when we explain it out, it is obviously the right choice to make for Peter. He’ll be fully immunized by early adolescence, but have gotten the immunizations on a schedule that is least stressful to his immune system. It does mean, though, that he gets more actual shots. They do have combination vaccines, so there would be less pokes, but all of them involve a vaccine that we’ve decided to delay, so we opt for more shots but less vaccinations per visit. In the long run, this is the best decision for Peter - but tell that to him after he receives three separate shots in his baby leg!! Thankfully, we take the nursies with us everywhere we go, so Peter can have his comfort method immediately after his shots. He was really mad this time, and let us know it for about thirty seconds before settling down and nursing. Kevin was out of the room for the actual shots, and didn’t even know they’d done it!

We have been out and about a little more lately, and even took our first trip to a store over the weekend! Daddy was in New York City seeing some theatre, so Gwyn and I got to stay with Momma Justine. The night Kevin left, we realized that I’d forgotten my toothbrush, and I wasn’t about brushing my teeth with a finger all weekend. We chose to go to K-Mart because it is always desolate and empty. Gwyn was wholly unimpressed with the whole thing - he slept the entire time we were there, snuggled on my chest in his Moby Wrap. It feels so wonderful to be starting to do normal things, like take him to the store or to friends’ houses. It just means we should probably buy stock in Purell, because we use lots of it!

All in all, it seems like our normal life is slowly returning, with the addition of possibly the most fantastic person in the universe, who is growing faster than I could ever have imagined. Slowly, the hypercautious attitudes that we developed in the NICU are melting, and leaving us with regular caution. The handwashing policy remains firmly in place, though.

It’ll be a really beautiful day in the neighborhood when breastfeeding is as accepted as it should be! Way to go, Fred.

And that’s good enough for Pete.

We’ve been joking that he is training for the 2012 Baby Olympics in the marathon nursing category (guess he takes after his Olympian Grandpa!).  We have no doubt at this point that he would bring home the gold!  All this nursing has him up to 8 pounds, 8 ounces at our last pediatrician visit two weeks ago.  We think he’s probably nine pounds now!  Patience about updates is still very much appreciated.

Our friends Ed, Dorene, and Cat threw us a lovely homecoming shower on Saturday, where we got to see some of the people who we’ve been missing.  I even relaxed a bit, realized that if anyone was sick they would not be coming, and took Gwyn along with me!   While I wouldn’t let anyone else hold him (I am still somewhat germ neurotic), it was so lovely to get to introduce him to so many people who love him.  

Unfortunately, since we are so far away and the weather has been uncooperative, he still has to meet lots of people…but I am saying right here and now that we have an open door policy along with the strict handwashing one!  The best hospitality we can offer is the twin bed in the nursery or an air mattress in our dining room, but I will do my best to bake something delicious.  From the way he’s growing, he’s going to be in college next week, so catch him while he’s still at home!

Two days ago, a woman from Great Lakes Home Healthcare stopped by to download the information from the apnea monitor that P.G. was sent home on.  She told us that she would be sending whatever information it contained to our pediatrician, and we should wait to hear from him.  The next day, we got a phone call from her asking to stop by again…to pick up the apnea monitor!  Dr. Goro, after reviewing the information from the monitor, wrote us a discontinue order.  So, our little SmartMonitor friend, goodbye.  There will be a gaping void on the table, reminding us of the sleepless breaks in the middle of the night after you would randomly alarm.  We will miss your Nazgul-like shrieks echoing into the night, waking our baby from peaceful and uneventful sleep to let us know that one of the leads is slightly loose.  We will miss wrestling a foam belt around a tired baby before going to bed.   

Though we had somewhat of a love-hate relationship (particularly at three in the morning after finally getting the baby to sleep), there were definitely positives that came out of our experience with the apnea monitor.  After the initial panic of the first few alarms, we came to realize that there was nothing wrong with the baby - that the leads would come off, or he would breathe shallowly, but that there was nothing wrong with the baby.  While it was still definitely jarring to hear the alarms in the night, it was always immediately soothing to see him pink, healthy and usually annoyed about being woken up.  I do wonder if we would be as confident in Peter’s health if we hadn’t had the experience of actually saying “no, he’s fine” out loud to each other.  Now, we’re comfortable without the monitor, because we are sure he doesn’t need it…and that’s going to add up to a lot more sleep for all of us.

To the (once again) redesigned PeterGwydion.com!  Many thanks to our good friend David, who is willing to work his computer magic in exchange for a pie that we have not yet delivered.

Holding my mittens hostage in 2005. Lasting friendships are built on this kind of trust.

We are still breastfeeding, still gaining weight…and still working on PeterGwydion.com.  I’m currently getting together a photo page when I have two hands, mostly to post all of the photos that got deleted.  What else would you like to see?  Tell us!

Don’t nurse and blog - as we have just learned from experience, it can result in very sad deletion of everything you’ve done the past two months. I guess we’re starting fresh!

Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of Gwyn’s homecoming! What a month! In said month, he has gained 1 pound, 15 ounces, putting him up to 6 pounds, 15.5 ounces. At our last pediatrician’s visit, he told us that the weight gain they like to see in term babies is roughly two pounds a month, so Gwydion’s weight gain is just fantastic. He is very awake and alert, working hard on getting his hands in his mouth and absolutely in love with our living room ceiling - the beams of dark wood that stripe across the white is great for him to focus on. He also is doing more cooing while he talks.

We have taken the plunge into exclusive breastfeeding, rather than giving him bottles supplemented with formula. It may mean a brief plateau in his weight gain, but we feel that it’s worth it to have him exclusively breastfed. So far, it looks like it’s going really well - a way of measuring if he’s getting enough is by counting wet diapers in a 24 hour period. With cloth diapers, eight soaked means that he’s doing just fine, and so far we’ve had nine! We also are much more rested and have time for things like organizing bookshelves since we aren’t constantly making bottles (although Kelley is coming to somewhat dread “I’m hungry” cry…that’ll get better soon!).

This month has been a real time of growth for everyone in our family. We are learning new skills, like how to remove a cat from a changing table while balancing a baby on a hip and the best way to get a squirmy baby into a sling. More importantly, though, we are learning new ways of communicating with each other, and the way our relationship works now that we have added in this small, fantastic person literally in the middle! We are working hard to be models of open communication, of honest emotional expression, and of strength-based, constructive criticism.

We had a visit from our good friend Emily, whose beautiful daughter Scarlett was born at home the day before Gwyn! Seeing her and sharing some cold camomile tea, stories about the difficulties of nursing and a whole lot of laughs really reminded us of how important seeing the people we love is. We’re looking forward to more visits soon.